I'm tired.

Today I went to the Del Amo Mall and shopped for my parents Christmas present.
As I looked around at all the shoppers, the families, the youth, the stores, and the incandescent lights, I thought about how tired I am.

I am tired of not being a real teenager.

While all the real teens party, have sex, get high, and drink, I am at home. I spend my Friday nights completing study guides and watching documentaries about exotic cat dancers. I spend my Saturdays trying to improve my tennis wii skill level (which is over 1600 :]), attending study sessions, watching t.v. with a friend, spending time with my parents, or babysitting. I spend my Sundays completing all my homework, frantically trying to complete my history notes, looking forward to 10 o'clock when Rock of Love Charm School comes on. (The finale should be airing tonight?)
I mean yes, I hang out with friends and I am a generally happy child, but I want to be a real teen. I want to sneak out, get drunk at a party, regret hooking up with a guy (I actually already do, but besides the point), and not come in until 1 in the morning. And do it all over again the next weekend. But this will never happen. Why? Because I am a good child. And my friends are all good children. They could even be labeled as prudes sometimes. But I'm not a prude, I just live the lifestyle of one.
So I am stuck going to QUESTie parties and my idea of fun being Back to the Future marathons. (Even though they are fun.)

I guess I just have to deal with the fact that I am the girl who spends her time stressing over college and her spare time researching Frederick Douglas for fun. I am the girl who checks school loop on vacation and thinks of Klingon as an actual language. I am the girl who runs out of room on the Common App for extracurriculars and cries over B's. I should just get a big Q to stamp on my forehead every day.
And although I keep telling myself everything will be better in college, I know it won't. I'm still going to stress and I know between double- majoring and internships it will be the SAME SHIT as high school. The upside will be that I will be surrounded by more intellectual people, hopefully.

AGH. All I want is one night, ONE NIGHT, to be a real teen. But it won't happen. I might as well accept my fate. And if I don't get into Stanford, all this sacrifice of a real teenage-hood will be for nothing. GAHHHH. I've been living by the motto "If you can't add to your transcripts, why bother".

I wish I knew how to play the guitar, so I could at least do something cool during my uneventful Saturday nights. If I could play the guitar, I'd spend hours strumming the strings and singing some angsty Courtney Love song.
But all I can play is the saxophone, adding to my lameness.

Everything would be better if I was famous, or a youtube star, or maybe just a real teen once in a while.
Too bad I am neither of those.


When I spell checked this blog, gangsta was an option for angsty. Oh yes.