Sex

Sex is the scariest thing in the world to me. Guys aren't scary to me. Relationships aren't scary. Love isn't scary.
Sex is scary. Sex Sex Sex Sex
Overall, it's just a disgusting and ugly word. Something about just isn't appealing to me.

I don't want to have sex. At all.

Yes,

It's been a while.
I guess I'm a senior or something. I just feel like an old junior, though. I realize that I'm old when I find myself looking around for the seniors (class of 2009) from last year. And then again, I realize they have all graduated. It's a truly odd feeling to know that you are experiencing the last of something. I will never be in high school again after this year.

Life has been different lately. I haven't been percieving it as this huge thing where you can either pass or FAIL. Recently I have taken it as a huge wonder. Something where you have to experience everything, and it takes a lot more than a transcript or a club memberships to determine whether you pass or fail. Sink or swim.
I'd like to say that I'm doing the Butterfly Stroke. I think that's the hardest one. Right?
Well, if it is- then I'm doing it. I've been managing quite beautifully. I've been doing what I want, living on the edge. Well not too much. More like a yard or two from the edge. Nevertheless still risky. Risque.
And I still have been incredibly focused. More so than usual. It is still early though.

Hopefully I won't be dog- paddling by the end of first semester.

I just want to be successful.

hello,

I am too narcissistic to feel embarrassed. or scared. or nervous. or inferior.

It's a gift.

NPD

I don't suffer from MPD, I actually think I may suffer from NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I took Dr. Drew's Test to assess NPD. Normal people score 12 to 15, Dr. Drew scored 16, Celebrities tend to score at about 18. Over 20 shows symptoms of being a narcissist.
I scored a 29.
However, I found that most of the questions pertained to how comfortable I feel leading or being the center of attention. It is not my fault that I like to have power and hope to be successful. I also don't find anything wrong with thinking that I am fairly attractive and not typically depending on people.
Whatever, maybe I do have NPD. But I honestly doubt that this NPD will affect me, if anything it may help me. For 16 years I have been fine. Not just fine, but AMAZING. The test is BULL. It is basically geared toward Type A personalities like myself, targeting them as suffering from NPD. In actuality, we just don't trust others to "get the job done" and think highly of ourselves.
I happen to think I am blessed and awesome, get over it.
YOU SUCK :)

MPD

I think I suffer from MPD, or Multiple Personality Disorder. Or maybe it's just that people have to act differently in different situations. And it is not necessarily that they are being fake or contradicting their usual persona, but maybe it is that their exhibition of a part of them that is perceived to be a "new persona" is THEM. That they are just showing off a part of them that they prefer and for some reason must hide.
Anyway, it is for this reason that I do not want to go to school. I stayed home today, and don't really want to go back. I've never really wanted to avoid someone this badly, I'm a pretty confrontational person. But as of now, I could probably go a while with avoiding you. I should probably just face the fact that I am an awkward person, and the things I do aren't socially acceptable- especially by you. I'm sorry I am a creep, I truly am. But as of now, I am going to continue to avoid you, which should be very interesting task, as we are typically around each other quite often- if not on purpose, then by chance or circumstance. So my avoidance of you should be difficult and entertaining for others. While for me, seeing you will be internally mortifying ( I am really hoping that my face won't display the dying that is going on inside of me).

I could be exaggerating, I could not. I'm going to go with the latter. Either way this situation is sticky. And I know the feeling is mutual because I know you. Well at least I'm pretty sure I do. But nonetheless, people are surprising. I would give almost anything to let this generalization play out in our situation. But I have a strong feeling it will not.

Maybe I should just face the fact I have bad luck. Not that I'm not blessed, because I truly am. But for the "little things" in life, I should probably just accept the fact that I will not be lucky and things will always play out unexpectedly horrific. This is great. This is SO great.

? ? ?

HEY HEY HEY

Im really happy right now. I dont think Ive been this content in a while :)

I dont know, I think I might actually want to be in a relationship for the first time in a while too.

i miss you.

It's as plain and simple as that.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.


My whole break has been without you.