Sex

Sex is the scariest thing in the world to me. Guys aren't scary to me. Relationships aren't scary. Love isn't scary.
Sex is scary. Sex Sex Sex Sex
Overall, it's just a disgusting and ugly word. Something about just isn't appealing to me.

I don't want to have sex. At all.

Yes,

It's been a while.
I guess I'm a senior or something. I just feel like an old junior, though. I realize that I'm old when I find myself looking around for the seniors (class of 2009) from last year. And then again, I realize they have all graduated. It's a truly odd feeling to know that you are experiencing the last of something. I will never be in high school again after this year.

Life has been different lately. I haven't been percieving it as this huge thing where you can either pass or FAIL. Recently I have taken it as a huge wonder. Something where you have to experience everything, and it takes a lot more than a transcript or a club memberships to determine whether you pass or fail. Sink or swim.
I'd like to say that I'm doing the Butterfly Stroke. I think that's the hardest one. Right?
Well, if it is- then I'm doing it. I've been managing quite beautifully. I've been doing what I want, living on the edge. Well not too much. More like a yard or two from the edge. Nevertheless still risky. Risque.
And I still have been incredibly focused. More so than usual. It is still early though.

Hopefully I won't be dog- paddling by the end of first semester.

I just want to be successful.

hello,

I am too narcissistic to feel embarrassed. or scared. or nervous. or inferior.

It's a gift.

NPD

I don't suffer from MPD, I actually think I may suffer from NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I took Dr. Drew's Test to assess NPD. Normal people score 12 to 15, Dr. Drew scored 16, Celebrities tend to score at about 18. Over 20 shows symptoms of being a narcissist.
I scored a 29.
However, I found that most of the questions pertained to how comfortable I feel leading or being the center of attention. It is not my fault that I like to have power and hope to be successful. I also don't find anything wrong with thinking that I am fairly attractive and not typically depending on people.
Whatever, maybe I do have NPD. But I honestly doubt that this NPD will affect me, if anything it may help me. For 16 years I have been fine. Not just fine, but AMAZING. The test is BULL. It is basically geared toward Type A personalities like myself, targeting them as suffering from NPD. In actuality, we just don't trust others to "get the job done" and think highly of ourselves.
I happen to think I am blessed and awesome, get over it.
YOU SUCK :)

MPD

I think I suffer from MPD, or Multiple Personality Disorder. Or maybe it's just that people have to act differently in different situations. And it is not necessarily that they are being fake or contradicting their usual persona, but maybe it is that their exhibition of a part of them that is perceived to be a "new persona" is THEM. That they are just showing off a part of them that they prefer and for some reason must hide.
Anyway, it is for this reason that I do not want to go to school. I stayed home today, and don't really want to go back. I've never really wanted to avoid someone this badly, I'm a pretty confrontational person. But as of now, I could probably go a while with avoiding you. I should probably just face the fact that I am an awkward person, and the things I do aren't socially acceptable- especially by you. I'm sorry I am a creep, I truly am. But as of now, I am going to continue to avoid you, which should be very interesting task, as we are typically around each other quite often- if not on purpose, then by chance or circumstance. So my avoidance of you should be difficult and entertaining for others. While for me, seeing you will be internally mortifying ( I am really hoping that my face won't display the dying that is going on inside of me).

I could be exaggerating, I could not. I'm going to go with the latter. Either way this situation is sticky. And I know the feeling is mutual because I know you. Well at least I'm pretty sure I do. But nonetheless, people are surprising. I would give almost anything to let this generalization play out in our situation. But I have a strong feeling it will not.

Maybe I should just face the fact I have bad luck. Not that I'm not blessed, because I truly am. But for the "little things" in life, I should probably just accept the fact that I will not be lucky and things will always play out unexpectedly horrific. This is great. This is SO great.

? ? ?

HEY HEY HEY

Im really happy right now. I dont think Ive been this content in a while :)

I dont know, I think I might actually want to be in a relationship for the first time in a while too.

i miss you.

It's as plain and simple as that.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.


My whole break has been without you.

2:56 am

I feel like I used to be able to put people in categories. You know, like little sub- titles to put under their name. But I don't think I can do that anymore.
Everyone has changed. Mostly for the worse.
I can't stand to realize that the people I considered to be my best friends, are not there. I mean they are there, but not there. It hurts to feel replaced, to feel something good to be completely ripped away from you. To feel like what you thought would be permanent, was a facade, something so temporary.
I miss so many people and relationships.
I used to be an open book, but due to the past three years of high school, I really don't trust anyone. I'm just over caring I guess anymore. I don't really see the point of wasting my effort on creating disposable friendships with fickle people.

DONE.

My grades suck right now.
I'm exhausted, stressed, and disappointed.

I want a damn cookie

want rant

This is what I want right now;

I want my best friend to be okay and to be her again. I am afraid that this will never happen or that things won't be the same. And I guess they probably won't, but I just want HER back. I don't know how to help mourning, I don't like seeing other people cry. It makes me feel awkward and sometimes I feel empathetic. Seeing you cry makes me want to cry. But I'm not good at the whole crying in front of people thing.

I want relation, not a relationship. With you. I want to date you. But only date you. I don't see the point of these silly high school relationships, forcing commitment on transient means. We are all kids, trying to rush into what our broken demented idea of how high school should play out. I feel like everyone is trying to say "I love you" to everyone. Love doesn't work that way. Saying those three words after a 3 week long period of commitment screams disappointment to me. I don't like relationships or boyfriends. I like fun. I like hookups and dating. I'm not the girlfriend type, I don't make time for the guy and get bored too easily. I just don't think that at the age of 16, long relationships are fun. But then again, I probably won't even consider marriage until I'm 31. Ehh, I want to date you and hook up with you. Let's do this now, ya?

I want to kick you in the face. You all create drama and go through friends like paper plates. People aren't made to be disposable. I don't understand how you girls can feel as if its okay to treat people as if they are. Getting close to them to suck what you want out of them.

I want you not to mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm never weak, you should know that by now. But for some reason, you feel that it's okay to push your agendas on me and make your needs first priority. It's not okay. But you're not normal, you don't realize that all of the people who you think are close to you, are pushing you away.

I want you not to join track. I don't like you. So why are you following me? GO AWAY.

I want to graduate, I think?

I want my permit. I'm busy and I procrastinate. It's a deadly habit, a cycle that won't break. I am always frustrated.

I want to come to terms with myself , and know that I am human. Because I don't. I don't except my mistakes as often as I should.

I want to study for my SAT. I don't. I have the book but have yet to crack it open. Again, procrastination strikes.

I want sleep to be optional. Or the amount to keep you healthy lessened. I feel that so much time of your life is wasted sleeping, and that so much more could be done. Thus the reason I am writing this at 3:36 am. I just search for a lot of time savers: not always brushing my hair, not folding my clothes, not ironing my clothes, etc.

I want at least a B in precal. I feel like that class is a waste of my time and the teacher's time. I am not going to ever major in anything math related in college, I want to be a lawyer. Therefore, I have yet to see the purpose of precal. All it does is stress me out and lower my gpa.

I want people to understand me.

The Man of my Dreams

Jon Heder
Jon Heder
Jon Heder
Jon Heder
Jon Heder
Jon Heder
Jon Heder

on Febuary 5th, 2009 at about 3:45, I met the man of my dreams.
Somebody pinch me, I must be dreaming.

Thank you Lauren Leavell, Michael Diaz, and Cindy Tena. And ASB.

A good day at Disneyland became one of the best days of my LIFE. This is probably an understatement. I was so happy I started crying. I've always said I would never understand those people who cry over celebrities. But I became one.
I've seen every MOVIE of his atleast 3 times. I've seen School for Scoundrels over 12 times, and I cannot even begin to count the number of times I've seen Napolean.
I love him. I didn't want to ruin his day with his family. I was so conflicted. That is why I cried.

But I met him, and that is all that matters :D


I MET JON HEDER, YOU ALL CAN SUCK IT.

love song

So this is it.
I could think of 100 reasons on the spot why we'd be the best couple ever. But, how is this going to work? I doubt it will ever happen.
I could say that I am really glad we are just friends, but I'd be lying. I want more.
I feel like we are the same person, but different, and then the same again. I could try telling you how I feel, but I'm a coward. And I'm really awkward. And then if that does go as planned, like the whole liking each other back thing, then what? What happens when we "fall out of like"? Are we still the same as before, or all weird?
I'm just not good in general with the whole being girly and liking a guy thing. I don't know how to act "cute" or flirt. It's probably my downfall. I also don't know how to be a girlfriend. PDA scares me sometimes and communication is sometimes over- complicated or over- simplified. But I sense that you'd be the same way too.
I am just very intellectually attracted to you. The fact that I can carry on a intellectually stimulating conversation with you is really attractive. I also really like the fact that I can carry on a conversation with you that would scare most, but is entertained by you.
But the men I like don't make a move first. They really don't. Maybe once they did, yes once I believe.
I probably couldn't even begin to describe how typical this situation is.
It's not uncommon in my life for the things, places, people, relations, and feelings I want to be inaccessible.
Typical.

micro manager

I don't understand why I do this.
Why can't I just be normal?

I spaz out too much. Dwell on my grades too often. And plan for a future that is not promised.
I analyze what shouldn't be thought of. I read what isn't normal. I become infatuated with the ugly, forgotten, or the odd.

I'm not normal. And when I say normal, I refer to the majority of the teenagers and people and children in America. Those who float by in life, not questioning not making an attempt to understand. I could never fathom leading a life, where you don't try to control every aspect. Where you don't make an effort to understand.


I'm tired of thinking. I'm going to bed.

anger and stress, but mostly anger

Teenagers are unreliable. They say one thing and mean another. They make a promise to without much intention to keep it. They keep best friends to hate them the next week. And they claim to be one thing, to contradict themselves the next moment. I don't know if this is just teenagers or people in general. But if that is the case, then I am slowly forming into a misanthrope.

I AM TIRED OF THIS.

Within the last week, this has become more apparent to me. Why? Because I am trying to plan a limo for our winter formal.
Being the type- A, annoyingly overachiever, micro mangaging person I am, I basically took over this project. It has been 2 weeks in, and I am mentally exhausted from trying to keep track of those I include and those I crossed off. (Well actually over a month, if you include the weeks where I have been trying to get a solid group together) Making plans over unsure statements is impossible, it is like asking for failure. However, I have done this (without knowledge, of course) at least 6 times in a week. I've come to realize this is due to the company I keep:
My friends love to give me answers that can be misinterepreted and then interpeted, just to be interpreted wrongly once more. They love the idea of fun without thinking of the planning that is incorporated when one tries to have this fun. They love the idea of things for free in a capitalist country. They love the idea of "things falling into place" without the lift of a finger for a small text or a simple phone call that is crucial. But no matter how much they love these things, they need to realize it will never happen.

So once more, I am planning everything. No matter how much I try to avoid this, I am back in the same rut. I probably wouldn't care much about their plans if they were not so intertwined with my own.

I am tired. After 2 weeks of hectic phone calls, never- ending lists of names on faded post it notes, and missed reality television, we still do not have the limo. Nor do I have all the money for the limo. My friends need to wake up, help, and realize that I cannot plan everything in the world. They need to realize that I am not on their schedule or budget, but I am abiding by my own. After all, it is MY credit card, MY time, and MY ENERGY that is being used, not their own. So if I recieve one more text full of false empathy and apologies, claiming that they cannot be apart of the limo, or a suggestion of a name of someone who I don't enjoy to be included in our limo; or one more call while I am calmly doing my history homework about the fee and when it is due, I will explode.
I will turn off my phone, join someone else's limo on my own, and return all the money I have to my "friends". Because, I am not a mother, a teacher, a limo service, or a computer. I will no longer supply every plan and place and detail to my "group". Because I am simply tired.